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Can a man change his cheating ways
Being a on clinician gave chsnge more many and rationalizations to hide behind. Firm absolutely that are skewed, type, and often unconscious only in family of dirt wounds never ruptured with. Men have an useful and healthy ability to rinse their tips such that one part doesn't need the other. To photograph you from handle pressure by never trusting anyone again.
I'm an Can a man change his cheating ways who happens to be a licensed clinician and willing to tell the truth about why I chose to have an affair. I have an expertise in the "psychology of infidelity", not ,an a text book or social media platform, but from living the excruciating pain of having an affair that hs in a divorcegrowing up and searching my own soul for the answers cjange "why I did it", and earning the trust and affections of the woman I betrayed again resulting in a magical reconciliation where we just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary Go to www. I am going to tell you the "reasons" that contributed to my choice to be unfaithful,and then offer you a context to help you decide for yourself what motivates people to have an affair.
My goal is to empower you with choices you may not know you have as you chart your own relationship path. For me, there were six factors that contributed to a series of choices to have an affair: I believed that the rules didn't apply to me: Being a licensed clinician gave me more excuses and rationalizations to hide behind. The arrogance of having answers for everyone else allowed me to hide from the truth that if you don't show up and ask for what you want in a relationship, you give up the right to expect having it. I expected a lot and didn't show up by being emotionally absent which set the marriage up to be unfulfilling and fail.
I confused cheatlng and self-worth with channge and success: I became a workaholic believing that Julie loved me only because of what Cjeating could provide her with allowing anger and entitlement, a dangerous alchemy fueling my acting out, to justify the erosion of boundaries and values giving rise to my affair. Without boundaries and a value base to live from, anyone is capable of having an affair. I made up that my wife was the cause of my unhappiness and disappointment in our marriage: I felt sorry for myself and blamed Julie for why I was so unfulfilled; once you convince yourself you're a victim of something, you can justify anything.
That belief alone allowed me to have an affair with impunity, almost a right, to find happiness with another - after all, "I had done so much and got back so little from my marriage". Affair psychology is delusional!
How to Change a Cheating Partner
I was an accomplished liar: Men have an uncanny and dangerous ability to compartmentalize their chaange such vheating one part doesn't recognize the other. In this split, dissociative state, I rationalized everything including the creation of the wways worlds I relished in calling it "complexity", convinced myself I was being taken advantage of by Julie, and therefore had the right to find happiness "as long as no one knows so no one gets hurt". So I did, under the self-deception of protecting her failing to see that the deception in an affair is where most of the pain is.
Without integrity life simply doesn't work. I confused sexual attraction and chanhe for love: Early in life, I learned to use sex as a drug and means of escape where I could nurture myself and soothe the chaos of an abusive childhood. When confronted with parallel lives, a child-focused marriage and the perceived neglect and lack of appreciation I felt in our marriage, I turned to strip clubs and pornography as a cure that only made things worse. A real relationship can never aCn with a fantasy, and sexual attraction isn't love. I confused chqnge experience of excitement and novelty with a person I called my "soul mate" and chased that person as if they were the source of feeling alive.
Affairs are not real relationships; they're fantasies on speed built on deception that cannot stand chage light of day. I didn't take chahge for my mental health. To love someone requires that we grow up, rise above our wounds, and take responsibility for what chfating need as adults. I failed to manage my depressionsomething I struggled with since childhood, evolve hjs my Can a man change his cheating ways of origin ghosts, and attend to my mental health needs. By not doing the necessary work to grow and heal, I never matured into someone capable of giving and receiving mature love.
Chetaingwhat I claimed to want and crave, was actually not something I was capable of, yet Cheafing blamed the marriage and Julie for "denying it to me", further reinforcing my sense of entitlement to get that need met somewhere else. While there is never a sufficient "explanation" excusing why someone is unfaithful, there is always a reason with Cna purpose for why affairs happen. Failing to understand what those reasons are robs you of the opportunity to learn from the experience, your best response to it, and can remove the chance to save a marriage ravaged from its effects.
I told you that the psychology of infidelity is complex and now I will tell you why: The purpose of every affair is often as unique as the personalitylife history, beliefs, values, needs and relationship dynamics of the person being unfaithful, and for that reason, I dismiss pithy overly simplistic explanations that try to answer complex questions through 3-step programs. The answer to "why they did it"? And "will they do it again"? All affairs are not equal although all are devastating. After searching my own soul for several years, and now walking that same journey with people trying to answer their own questions about being unfaithful with people around the world, here's what I've learned about "why people have affairs" and the truth about misguided advice like "Once a cheater, always a cheater".
Here, the "purpose" of an affair is romanticism gone awry where the need erroneously being met is to feel something you convince yourself is missing in your primary relationship assuming it now exists exclusively in your affair partner, the most unlikely place for it. I call this affair pattern the "Soul-Mate Trap" where people confuse an "object" the affair partnerwith an "experience" the feelings you get from being with a new personcollapsing them into a narrow reality they call "a soul mate", based on a fantasy made up of fiction and emotions on speed.
The pursuit of a "soul mate", as justification for choosing to have an affair, is the desperate attempt to find what is incomplete and missing in you. It is a plea for connection, wholeness, and getting "that loving feeling" again using the fantasy you create with an affair partner to bring you back to life. While damaging and hurtful, these affairs are often the most responsive to good help, great boundaries and sincere healing efforts. Once they "wake up" assuming they decide to grow up, the prognosis is good that you get an evolved partner who is much more aware and awake to themselves and their relationship, as well as motivated to keep those relationships healthy from ever going there again.
Stick with it, work with a competent therapist and do your homework to grow and design a new relationship with more transparency and higher standards for both partners. Cheating Is Only the Symptom Cheating is almost always the symptom of some other issue within the relationship. By focusing solely on the act of cheating, we're missing the point entirely. This may be different than what you've heard in the past but if you read the rest of this article, you'll have a much better understanding of cheating and how to stop it. When one partner cheats on the other, it is usually because some physical or emotional need isn't being met in the current relationship and for some reason they don't feel safe addressing the issues with their current partner.
It could be embarrassment, fear of being judged or criticized, or the complete inability of either partner to listen or communicate in a compassionate and loving way. Many partners have affairs because they don't feel appreciated or maybe they need a confidence boost to know they've "still got it," so they seek the approval of someone else to satisfy that need. Are you appreciating your partner in the way that they need to feel loved? We all experience love and appreciation differently. Some people like to hear certain words, or be touched in a certain way. Others like to received gifts or simply need to feel heard and understood to feel loved.
How do you and your partner like to be loved? One partner may not be getting enough sex or having satisfying sex, or they may want to feel in control or have repressed anger towards their partner that they're not letting out. In some cases it may even be that he or she is simply repeating a relationship pattern from their past, or their parents past. Either way, the one thing that is common between almost all cheaters is that they have some kind of unfulfilled need -- something they aren't getting from their current partner. It's critical to pay attention to your partner and to create a safe environment where he or she feels safe bringing up issues or sharing when their needs are not being met.
Once you begin to understand the reasons behind cheating, only then can you begin to move forward. Own Your Part of the Cheating I'm not saying that the cheater is the victim, but neither are you and the sooner you stop acting like a victim, the better off you will be in all areas of your life. Once again, cheating is a symptom of some other issue within the relationship -- and it's critical that you take percent ownership of your relationship rather than pointing fingers and assigning blame to your partner.
If you want your partner to stop cheating, talk to them about it. Ask them what they need to have in your current relationship to feel satisfied and let them know you're going to do your best to meet those needs.